Think about what you are hoping to convey to your child when you have a conversation with them – the deeper level of what you want to convey, not the immediate subject matter. When I think about what I wish to impart to my children, it is this: I want them to know in a felt sense that they are loved and precious beings. Their knowing this deeply, throughout their whole being, is entirely dependent on how they see themselves reflected back by their dad and I.

It works like this. A child thinks, “If my parent/caregiver/attachment figure believes that I am worthwhile, then I am worthwhile. I know that they believe that I am worthwhile because I can see myself, my true self, reflected in their eyes.”

And how do we reflect back to them that they are worthwhile? We listen to them mindfully, compassionately, without judgment and with all our senses. Look up from your screen, book or whatever you are doing and give your child your eyes. Notice their facial expression, body posture, and tone of voice to pick up clues as to how they are feeling. Listen for the emotion and the need being expressed behind the words, And then let them know what it is you think they are saying. My daughter saying, “I’m bored,” might really mean, “I miss my friend and I’m lonely.”

Now, listening with intention is impossible to do 100% of the time. I try to limit the amount of time my children see me on my phone, but I have on more than one occasion said, “Just let me finish this text.” I also get tired, irritated, frustrated, hungry, and overwhelmed – all of which challenge my ability to listen with intention. So I also practice self-compassion. I do my best and I am human. Sometimes, I circle back and apologize for being distracted. I don’t say it won’t happen again but I might say something like, “I’m sorry I was so distracted just now. I was upset because I just realized I forgot to send a birthday card I meant to put in the mail.”

I work on the belief that if I am able to be present, engaged and listen with intention most of the time, then my children will know deep in their bodies that they are loved and they will feel seen and valued for who they are.

And this is what I wish for them most in this world.

Warmly,

Suzanne

When you notice that your heart rate is rising, your shoulders are tensing up, and you are thinking, “This is not going to end well,” taking a mental step back and giving yourself some space can help you respond to a situation rather than react. When we respond, we are more mindful of our tone of voice, the words we are using and how our own emotions are contributing to the situation. It doesn’t mean that we are okay with any behaviour our kids (or others) dish out, but it does mean that we respond in a way that is helpful rather than in a way that adds to the situation.

Here are four strategies to help you take that mental step back so that you are more able to respond from a grounded place. You can try these strategies in the moment and see if they help. There might be one or two that work better for you than the others. Those are the ones you can return to whenever you notice you need to take a moment.

1. Name 5 Things – When you feel like your head is spinning and everything is getting overwhelming, take a moment to name to yourself five things you can see around you. You try it now. “I see a chair. I see a shoe. I see a clock. I see a window. I see a tree outside.” Bringing your attention to your sense of sight helps bring you back to the here and now of your body. When I do this, I notice my breath slowing down as I name the objects I am seeing. You can also do it by naming the sounds you hear around you. It does the same thing of bringing your mind back to the present. You can name the objects or sounds silently to yourself, so that even if others are around, they are unaware that you are practicing this strategy.

2. Ground Yourself – For this strategy, breath into your centre (about an inch beneath your belly button) and notice your feet on the ground, feeling where the soles of your feel make contact with the earth. If you are sitting, you can notice where your body touches the chair. Again, this strategy guides you back to your body in the present. It gives you a moment to take that step back and respond mindfully to the situation.

3. Breathe – Bringing your awareness to your natural breath is another way to settle yourself. You don’t need to change how you are breathing, just bring your awareness to it. If you have a particular breathing technique that you like, such as square breathing or belly breathing, you can use those as well. In the moment, simply noticing your breath will give you the pause you need to respond rather than react.

4. Notice Your Emotional Elevator – You can imagine your emotions as an elevator. At the top is where the high-energy emotions like anger and rage as well as excited and ecstatic live and at the bottom is where the low-energy emotions like calm and restful as well as sad and bored live. Taking note of where your emotional elevator is and then visualizing it going down (or up if needed) can help you regulate your emotions in the moment.

All of these strategies can be done quickly and without anyone else around being aware of what you are doing. If you are with your children, and it a situation with them that you are trying to manage, you can also practice these strategies out loud. Doing this models for them that we all feel overwhelmed at times and need to have strategies to regulate ourselves so that we can respond mindfully. It also gives them strategies that they might choose to use later when they need to pause and take a mental step back.

Do you have other strategies that you use? I would love to hear about them in the comments section.

Wishing you all a December that is filled with ease and moments of connection and joy,

Suzanne

Figuring out what practices work for you and your family – whether they be mindfulness, kindness, compassion, gratitude or any other type of practice – is a process. My daughter, when she was four, used to tell me quite emphatically, “I don’t want to take deep breaths!” I’ve since learned more playful ways of introducing breathing rather than just asking a four year old to “take some deep breaths” in the middle of a meltdown!

We’ve also learned as a family what works for us. One of the things we’ve learned is that we like to mix it up – sometimes we do breathing or other mindfulness activities at bedtime, other times we take turns at the dinner table saying what we’re grateful for. Currently, we have an Acts of Kindness Jar where we record on slips of paper either kind acts that one of us has done for someone else or that someone else has done for one of us.

I used to worry that not doing one practice consistently would be counter productive. I feel better though, after hearing Dr. Kimberley Schonert-Reichl speak at the Heart-Mind 2018 conference this March. One of the things she said was that research suggests that it may be best to “mix it up” with children. Anecdotally, my daughter does internalize and then use the practices that resonate with her. One of the advantages of exposing children to different practices is that they can choose the strategies that work for them.

Above is a video that I took of Elli last summer. She had been in a bike camp the previous week and, as she tells me in the video, she wanted to calm down her body. To regulate herself, she used some of the strategies that we had been doing together. I was awed at how she was able to transfer what we had been doing at home to “the real world.”

We’ve both come a long way from “I don’t want to take deep breaths!”

This video is shared with Elli’s permission.

Warmly,

Suzanne

Hygge is a Danish concept that is a bit elusive to describe but you know it when you feel it. It is a sense of coziness, friendship, community, safety and connection to both the physical environment and the people around you. In her book, The Book of Hygge – the Danish art of Contentment, Comfort and Connection, Louisa Thomsen Brits describes it as “a quality of presence and an experience of belonging and togetherness. It is a feeling of being warm, safe, comforted, and sheltered.” The word “hygge” may originate from the Norwegian word for “hug.”

Hygge is made up of the small moments in life. There is a sense of gentleness, simplicity and authenticity about it. I don’t think you can hygger if you are not grounded in yourself at that moment. Hygge for me is when I am drinking a hot cup of tea at home and my family is near. It is when I’m in Tofino, playing on the beach with my children or curled up reading a book watching the waves out the window. It is a spontaneous, informal dinner with neighbours.

In his book, The Little Book of Hygge – The Danish Way to Live Well, Meik Wiking from the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen, outlines his Hygge Manifesto, which has ten points:

1. Atmosphere – Turn down the lights.
2. Presence – Be here now. Turn off the phones.
3. Pleasure – Coffee, chocolate, cookies, cakes, candy.
4. Equality – “We” over “me”. Share the tasks and the airtime.
5. Gratitude – Take it in. This might be as good as it gets.
6. Harmony – It’s not a competition. We already like you. There is no need to brag about your achievements.
7. Comfort – Get comfy. Take a break. It’s all about relaxation.
8. Truce – No drama. Let’s discuss politics another day.
9. Togetherness – Build relationships and narratives. “Do you remember the time we…?”
10. Shelter – This is your tribe. This is a place of peace and security.

There are elements of the physical (e.g. paying attention to lighting, comfy chairs, good food); the social (e.g. connection to friends and family); the emotional (e.g. feeling safe and content); and the spiritual (e.g. being rejuvenated, nourished and replenished) in hygge.

If you are interested, I would recommend picking up a book on hygge. Either of the two I’ve mentioned here are great. Both books are beautiful and pleasing to hold and look through – gorgeous, calm photos and illustrations and uncomplicated pages. They are calm and quiet reads. Not too demanding or complicated.

So back to the first question: how do you hygger? And how could you add more hygge to your life?

One of my knees can cause me some grief. It can be painful when I’m bending it. When it gets bad, I use a large foam roller and roll my upper leg over it. It helps – quite a bit. The rolling itself hurts but if I do it consistently, the rolling hurts less and my knee feels much better.

A few weeks ago, my knee had been painful again and I was sporadically using the roller. One day in the middle of this, I went to yoga. During the class, my knee hurt – a lot – and I couldn’t do all the poses. In the middle of the class, I began to get quite angry with myself and began thinking things like, “I should have been rolling my leg more” and, “Why can’t I just get it together and look after myself.” Then I had one of those “ah-ha” moments. “This,” I thought, “is not being kind, gentle or loving to myself.”

I began to change my thinking. “It is what it is,” I thought. “I can’t do anything here or now about not rolling my leg and I’m making it worse by beating myself up.” I started to just notice the sensation in my knee and track it. I noticed when it felt more intense, and when it subsided. I tried to pinpoint the exact location of the sensation in my knee. My thoughts became, “Oh, my knee is hurting me more than I thought.” And it wasn’t to blame myself or wish I had done something that I hadn’t. It was just to notice.

And it helped. I felt less hard towards myself. My body and my thoughts felt softer. I was more present, noticing my body in the moment rather than dwelling on what I hadn’t done in the past.

Sounds easy. And there is a simplicity about it. But doing it, catching myself in those moments and just noticing instead of judging, is really challenging. Being aware in that moment in the middle of class that I was judging myself was not easy. I’ve attended many, many yoga classes where I haven’t caught my thinking. And then, once I had noticed my self-critisim, knowing what to replace those unhelpful thoughts with was difficult.

One of my favourite phrases for lovingkindness practice is, “May I live with ease.” There is something about the phrase, “Live with ease” that for me reminds me that we’re all just doing our best to live smoothly, gently and easily. For me, practicing these small moments of self-compassion embodies living with ease.

May we all live with ease. May we all find those small moments of self-compassion.