The research backs up this idea that “we are all in this together.” Children as young as three months have been shown to have a preference for helping behaviours over unhelpful behaviours. Dr. Karen Wynn and her team from The Infant Cognition Centre, otherwise known as The Baby Lab, at the University of Yale ran a series of studies looking at whether babies recognize prosocial behaviour. In one study, 5 and 9 month old babies were shown a scene with puppets. In the scene, a puppet was trying to get a colourful rattle out of a box. The babies are shown two variations of this scene – in one variation, another puppet comes along who helps the original puppet open the box and take out the rattle. In the other variation, the puppet that comes along sits on the box, making it impossible for the original puppet to open the box. After watching both variations, when presented with both the helping and non-helping puppets, the babies showed a preference for the helping puppet by gazing longer at and reaching for the helpful puppet.

Research out of Dr. Kimberly Schonert-Reichl’s Social & Emotional Learning Lab (the SEL Lab) at the University of BC found that children ages 9 to 11 who are asked to perform three acts of kindness per week for four weeks, showed increases in happiness and how well-liked they were by peers. This is important as preteens who are well-liked also demonstrate more inclusive behaviour. Another study from the SEL Lab looked at the benefits of volunteering. Grade 10 students who volunteered one hour a week for 10 weeks with elementary school children, lowered their cardiovascular risk as compared to the control group.

Research is showing that prosocial behaviours, including kindness, are more ingrained in us than previously thought. This doesn’t necessarily  always make kindness the “go to” behaviour though. Kind isn’t always easy and sometimes, in the short-term at least, the power we feel with anger and revenge can be sweet. So how do we encourage kindness in our children? You are probably already doing most, if not all, of the ideas listed below. The key is being intentional and knowing why we are doing what we are doing when we are doing it!

1. Model kindness – Our children learn an incredible amount by watching how we treat others. Do you show kindness and understanding in your interactions with your friends?  Do you tell your child to stay away from the student in their class who is having difficulty on the playground and leave it at that, or do you talk about how some children have a harder time learning how to get along with others?
2. Talk about being kind – What does it mean to be kind? What does it look like and sound like? Notice and name when your children are being kind (“I saw you give the red crayon to Lily when she asked for it even though you were using it.”) Don’t, however, reward them for their kindness. External rewards have been shown to lessen internal motivation.
3. Make it a family value – “We treat other people with kindness in our family.” Let your children know that kindness is important.
4. Create an Acts of Kindness Jar – One way to notice and name kindness is by tracking acts of kindness. You can track them by journalling, talking about them at the dinner table, creating an Acts of Kindness Jar or any other way you can think of. Track both kind acts that they (and you) have received and those acts that they (and you) have done for others.
5. Read stories with kindness themes – Books such as “Plant a Kiss” by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and “Boo Hoo Bird” by Jeremey Tankard are great for younger children. “Wonder” by R. J. Palacio and “Blubber” by Judy Blume are two for older children. Heart-Mind Online has book lists that you  can find here, for the younger ones, and here, for older children.

The Dalai Lama has said, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Not always easy, but possible. Hopefully you have a little more information to help your child(red) choose kind.

Warmly,

Suzanne

Valentine’s Day, as a day to celebrate your sweetheart, is full of social pressures. What if you don’t have a sweetheart? What if don’t want a sweetheart? If you do have a sweetheart, what if you don’t want to partake in what is essentially a commercial holiday?

Elementary classroom Valentine’s Day celebrations are already a celebration of friendships and not romantic relationships. Most teachers ask that students, if they are going to bring Valentine’s Day cards to class, bring one for every child. In my conversations with my daughter, I make sure that she understands that she is giving cards to every classmate not because that is the rule, but because it is kind and thoughtful to include everyone.

I wonder if maybe Valentine’s Day as a way to celebrate kindness and friendships – for everyone, not just elementary school students – is gentler and less angst-filled. What if we all celebrated Random Acts of Kindness Week instead?

The spirit of Family Day, spending time with loved ones whether they are family or dear friends, feels more like the gentler Valentine’s Day that I wish for. Pulling in, reminding myself of my many blessings, slowing down and playing with my children – that is what I want to do. The memories that spending time together will create for my children, the deep message of “you are loved” that it gives them, the priceless opportunity I have to share my values with my children as I play and talk with them – that is what I want to do.

Last week I signed up for an online course called Unclutter. You can read about it here. It is facilitated by Amy Kervin, who blogs and offers parenting courses on her website, Love Uncluttered. On her website, Amy advocates for “simplifying childhood (and parenthood) so that you can focus on the relationships that matter most.” In Unclutter, the course I participated in, Amy sends you seven emails, one a day, for a week. Each centers on something you can do in with your family to simplify – get away from “stuff” – in order to free up time and energy so that you can focus on each other.

My timing in signing up was perfect. As this week of Valentine’s Day and Family Day drew near, the questions that Amy posed were a good reminder of what is important to my family and me. Reading and thinking on her emails helped me articulate what I had been feeling but not able to put words to easily.

There are still wonderings I have about Valentine’s Day and how I want to celebrate it – I think I may always wrestle with this one. I have, though, been able to remind myself of how I want to be with my family and what values I want to share with them. For me, these values are more in line with Family Day, so that is the day that we are celebrating more than Valentine’s Day in our house. And we are celebrating it by spending time together, being grateful for each other, and being kind.

Happy Family Day,

Suzanne

Spirit of the West is one of my favourite bands. I danced my heart out to them in my university years both at the Pit Pub at UBC and live at various venues around Vancouver; when we visited Italy when my daughter was almost 4, she and I had “When Venice Is Sinking” on repeat the days before we visited that city (and I just hoped she wouldn’t ask me what the line “with an erection on a horse” meant); they are the only band my husband and I have been to see since we’ve had kids.

I was heartbroken, along with so many, when I learned of John Mann’s early onset Alzheimer’s. Something as tragic and as unfair as being diagnosed with such an illness, anyone being diagnosed with such an illness, makes many of us question all we know to be safe and stable in the world.

Today I saw the video Spirit of Canada – Home For A Rest (you can watch it above as well). And it struck me to my core with it’s joyfulness and sense of community and celebration. It is almost tangible people’s fierce love and respect for John Mann. You can see and hear in the music how much everyone in that room and on that stage cares deeply for both John and the community that they have created. It is not the first time and it most definitely will not be the last that sadness and pain have brought out the care and compassion of a community. One of the biggest musicals on Broadway currently is Come From Away, the true story of how a community came together and deep friendships were formed when 38 diverted planes landed in Gander, Newfoundland on September 11, 2001 after the Twin Towers were struck.

In How The Stress of Disaster Brings People Together, Dr. Emma Seppala, Science Director at Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, reviews the research behind why we pull together in times of stress and tragedy. Research shows that instead of the classic “every man for himself” mindset when hard times hit, we actually build connections and work together. We are, after all, social creatures. Our survival has always depended on us working together to get through stressful and challenging circumstances. Our physiological and psychological health improves in numerous ways when we feel connected to others.

While none of us would ever wish sorrow or pain on anyone or any community, we know that it is inevitable. Natural disasters, illness, human-caused tragedies both accidental and intentional, will continue to happen. In despairing times, healing and hope will come from our biological social need to connect, to come together as community to help and support each other. It is how we are strong. The Spirit of Canada – Home For A Rest video is moving example of beautiful things happening in the face of grief and pain.

Warmly,

Suzanne

Instead, I usually reflect on what I’ve accomplished in the past year and what my hopes are for the coming one. In essence, I’m setting an intention.

To set a resolution, you first must focus on a problem. To resolve something is to fix a problem. According to The Statistic Brain, losing weight is the number one intention people set, followed by life/self improvements and making better financial decisions. In all of these, there is an implied problem and the outcome is the goal.

Setting an intention is different. An intention is an aim, a hope we have for ourselves. An intention guides us towards how we would prefer to be. The outcome is not as important as the process; if I wander from my intention, I can gently remind myself of it and refocus. I can bring myself back to my intention without feeling like I’ve failed. An example of an intention might be to try to be more present, or to practice courage. It might help to write it down so that you are able to remind yourself throughout the year of your intention and bring your focus back to it, if need be.

An intention is softer and gentler than a resolution. Setting an intention rather than a resolution feels like a kinder thing to do for myself.

So how about you? Have you set an intention before? If you were to set an intention for 2018, what might it be?

Warmly,

Suzanne