Values are what is important to you; the guideposts by which you’ll make decisions. They are qualities that reflect who you want to be in the world. When we make decisions that take into account our values, we are more congruent and will feel more connected to ourselves. We experience greater fulfillment when we live by our values,

The decisions we make and our behaviours are based on and reflect our values. When we use our values to make decisions, we focus on what is important to us—what we need to feel a sense of well-being.

As parents, we can’t always be there to guide the decisions our children make. The values we impart to our children are what will lay the foundation for the kind of people our children become. They are a map for how we want to be as a family. “In our family, we are kind – we use our words and don’t hit others.”

Examples of values include:

• Inclusivity
• Kindness
• Respecting others
• Spending family time
• Loyalty
• Dependability
• Open-mindedness
• Consistency
• Compassion
• Service to others
• Perseverance
• Courage
• Education
• Environmentalism
• Fitness
• Being outdoors
• Patience
• Acceptance
• Trust
• Safety
• Fun
• Risk-taking

Beliefs

There is a difference between values and beliefs which can be summed up as, “Values unite. Beliefs Divide.”

Beliefs are assumptions we hold to be true. When we use our beliefs to make decisions, we are assuming the causal relationships of the past, which led to the belief, will also apply in the future.  In a rapidly changing world where complexity is increasing day by day, using information from the past to make decisions about the future may not be the best way to support us in meeting our needs.

Beliefs are contextual: they arise from learned experiences, resulting from the cultural and environmental situations we have faced. Values are not based on information from the past and they are not contextual. Values are universal. Values transcend contexts because they are based on what is important to us: They arise from the experience of being human.

An example of how values unite and beliefs divide is spirituality. Spirituality is a value that many people hold; however, some people may believe in a particular god, while others find their spirituality in another god or in nature.

Emotions

How are emotions linked to values? Why is teaching our kids emotions and self-awareness important?

We need to feel and listen to our emotions for them to tell us, and sometimes remind us, what our values are. Big emotions will tell us what we really care about.

For example, when I feel sad that I am not spending time with my children, my sadness tells me my value of connecting as a family is out of alignment and I pay particular attention to how I am spending my time. I might decide to cancel or postpone an afterwork meet up with a friend so that I can reconnect with my family.

Grief is the emotion that expresses love and value for what is being lost.  It points directly to what we care about the most. We feel grief when someone or something we value is lost.

Anger, in its balanced expression, is the emotion that gives us the strength and courage to say “No!” in the face of violation. Anger may be pointing us to deeply held values that are being violated.  Values like protecting the environment and women’s rights are values that people are motivated by anger to fight for.

If you are interested in learning more about values and exploring what your family values are, contact me at 604-733-8409 or suzanne@compassionateparenting.ca to find out when the next Family Focus workshop is happening.

Warmly,

Suzanne

Young children are not always able to regulate their emotions themselves and they will need you to help them manage and stay focused. Children also don’t have control over the family social calendar, which can add to the sense that their world is moving a little too fast. They can easily become overwhelmed. Often young children are not able to put words to feelings, so you might see their overwhelm come out in their behaviour. Maybe they are tearier than usual, or quicker to anger. They might also have more physical complains like stomachaches and headaches.

Here are some ways to help your child keep their feet on the ground this time of year:

• Help them put names to their emotions – saying something like “I’m excited that we’re going to the party. My tummy feels jumpy. Are you feeling excited as well?” or “You are running around the house a lot, are you excited that we’re going to the party?” helps children identify their emotions. Being able to name our emotions enables us to be in control of them. Brain research supports this. When people are able to name what they are feeling, their amygdala is less activated.
• Plan when you are going to let your child know the schedule for the day. You don’t want to tell them too early about an exceptionally thrilling event – telling a three year old that you are going to a favourite cousin’s party the week before the party will result in a very eager 3 year old asking every day if today is the day of the party. You do want to tell them in enough time so that they can anticipate the event and it doesn’t feel like everything “just happens.”
• Prepare children in advance of what to expect on a busy day. “We are going to the theatre and then a party, so you might feel tired or overwhelmed with all the places and people. Let’s keep checking in with each other to see how we are doing.” A quick, “How are you doing?” with gentle eye contact can help your child feel connected to you and less flooded with stimuli.
• Take care to schedule some down time to reconnect with your child when both of you can recharge. Do a puzzle, play with a favourite toy, read a book, or enjoy a snuggle together.
• Be ready to change plans. If your child is just not able to cope with yet one more activity, maybe it’s time to leave the party early and head home.
• Look after yourself. It can take an immense amount of patience to help a frazzled child regulate. If you are feeling tired and overwhelmed yourself, you will find it difficult to help your child.
• Lastly, be kind to yourself. When you are impatient with your child in the face of their meltdown, remember that you are human and that this is real life. They will get cranky and you will get irritated. Take a breath and offer yourself some kind words (think of what you would say to a friend). You will be better able to weather the next storm if you treat yourself with kindness instead of berating yourself.

There are so many emotions that we might experience at this time of year; joy, love, contentment, wonder, frustration, anxiety, and disappointment, to name a few. We can experience these emotions at any time of course; it is the intensity and pace of December that make them more challenging to cope with now. Learning to stay balanced and regulated in the face of all that is happening is a skill and it is one that we can help our children develop.

Wishing you peace and joy into 2018,

Suzanne

Friendship is tricky for all of us. Reading social cues, regulating ourselves in groups of people, balancing our own needs and the needs of others, knowing what to say to join groups – these are complex skills and children are just beginning to learn them. It can be hard as parents to know how to support them as they stumble through learning these skills. Some of us might have a tough time socially ourselves, and guiding our children can seem like a mine field!

These books, and many others you probably already have on your shelves, will give you a starting point for conversations about friendships. You can talk about how it feels to be lonely, like Hedgehog in The Friend Ship, or how we can affect others around us by showing them kindness, like the boy in Rain! 

Rain! by Linda Ashman and pictures by Christian Robinson, is a gem of a book that I first saw at my son’s daycare. On a rainy day in a city, a boy and a man separately go to the local café. The man is not happy to be out in the rain; the boy is jubilant. There is a story of when the boy and the man meet and how one impacts the other; as well, there is also a story in the reactions of the people who the boy and the man come into contact with as each walks to the café. In simple pictures and words, it tells the tale of how we are feeling and our behaviour impacts those around us. It is a great story to begin to talk about social awareness and how we affect each other.

You might start by asking your child how might each character be feeling and how your child knows this (ask them what they are seeing, for example, frown, eye brows pointing down, hand on hip). If they are younger, this might be all you ask. If they are a bit older, you might talk about how the other people in the picture look and what your child thinks might be going on. You can talk about what happened to the man when the child gave him his hat back.

The Friend Ship by Kat Yeh, is a lovely book about Hedgehog, who is lonely. He builds a ship and sets sail in search of friends. Wherever he stops, he asks the animals he finds, “Have you seen the Friend Ship?” None of them have, but they ask to come with him because they would like to find a friend as well. Hedgehog’s ship gets fuller and fuller with animals. It is a beautiful book to introduce questions such as, “What makes a friend?” and “How do you know if someone is your friend?”

Jon J Muth’s Stone Soup, is a retelling of a traditional European folk tale. In his version, three monks are traveling through the mountains when they happen across a village. In this village, the villagers are all wary of each other, to say nothing of the three strangers who walk through their gates. The monks begin to make stone soup, and in doing so, unite and connect the villagers with each other again, making the village and it’s inhabitants happier in the process. Questions you might ask your child after reading this book include, “What happened when the monks started making the soup?” “How might the people in the village have been feeling before they started to make soup?” “How might they be feeling when they were helping make and eat the soup?” and “What do you think happened to change how the people in the village felt?”

There are many books that you can read with your child to begin a conversation about friends and friendship. By doing so, you are accomplishing two aims: firstly, you are developing your child’s social and emotional competencies (go here for more information on social and emotional learning); secondly, by asking questions and listening to the answers, you are letting your child know that you want to have open and honest conversations with them.

I believe that the important part is to begin the conversation and not get hung up on if we are doing it “right.” Even if our children appear to not be interested or only half engaging in the conversation, our intent behind our efforts will stick with them and when they do need honest answers, or have had a tough interaction with peers, they will seek us out. And our efforts to nurture social and emotional skills will most certainly help our children as they grow and learn how to be kind and compassionate people in this world.

Happy reading!

Warmly,

Suzanne

I am also offering two workshops this fall:

Compassionate Parenting

We will explore why being kind to ourselves as parents is so important – for us and for our kids.

For information on the workshops or to inquire about counselling, please email me at suzanne@compassionateparenting.ca

I welcome any questions or comments.

Warmly,

Suzanne