How are you doing? How are you and your family in this time of COVID 19?

How I am doing is a pretty mixed bag to be honest. Short answer is, I’m okay. The longer answer is more complex – I’m feeling grateful, worried, nervous, unfocused, unsettled, content, peaceful… sometimes all at the same time.

I expect your answer is complex as well.

As we enter week four of physical distancing, I’ve been ruminating on this question of how I am. How my family is doing. And I’ve gathered some thoughts that I wanted to share. Maybe your experience is similar, maybe it’s different.

In my home, there is myself, my partner, our two elementary-aged children and my brother. My brother came to stay with us as he transitioned to the lower mainland after living in the States for a few years – he was actively searching for a place to live when we began isolating. So here he is and here he will stay for a while. Which is a blessing, because he would be living by himself if he had found a place and moved before “all this”.

Physically, I am well. A couple of days the first week I went out for walks. “Ah,” I thought, “This is what I’ll do! Long walks, I will have time and be needing to get out of the house!” The forest is easily accessible from my home, and I envisioned daily forays into the wild. That didn’t last long. I actually found after that first week that I didn’t want to be out and about far from home. I’m not too sure why. Lately, I’ve thought that maybe it’s something to do with not feeling safe and therefore needing to stay close to home base and my family. We did go on a long family walk this weekend, and I’m sensing that I might be ready soon to venture out on my own again. Maybe.

What I have been doing is a 30-day wheelie challenge – my whole family has been participating. I can happily ride up and down my street practicing my wheelies and social distancing at the same time. FYI, I’m not very good, but I am enjoying it. I have also been doing some morning yoga. At first, I needed to push myself to get up early to do it. “This is what you need, Suzanne. Remember mental health is important. This is important.” Now, I’m in more of a routine and I can say it has been vital for my mental health. Speaking of which…

Mentally, I was quite unfocused at first; I still am, but it is getting better. That first week, I was even unable to concentrate on reading a book. Deciding what to do next around the house seemed challenging. I did manage to knock off a couple of projects that I’ve been meaning to do for a bit (patch the hole in the kitchen where I tried to hang a coat hook – but the hook fell out and left a gaping hole). The projects I’ve tackled have been low skill level, low commitment projects. Nothing needing large amounts of focus or brain power.

I am beginning to feel more grounded when I’m at home. However, when I go out to shop, I still feel lost. It all feels surreal and like I’m moving through water. This will change in time, I am sure. But for now, I have to really concentrate when I’m out; “What store am I going to?” “What is on my grocery list?” “Remember to stay 6 feet away from others.” (I am grateful for the markings letting us know where to stand in grocery store line-ups; it means I don’t have to worry that I’m not the correct distance away anymore). I still haven’t read any of the books beside my bed that I was sure I was going to dig into right away. But I think I’m getting closer to picking one up.

Emotionally, I worry about the effect of the increased stressors on families who no longer have access to community supports. Schools, governments, not-for-profits, community agencies and others are all rising in amazing ways to meet the challenge of connecting with families who need support. I know, however, that they will not be able to connect with everyone who needs it. This hurts my heart. When I feel like this, I try to remind myself of what I can do. Having a sense of what I can contribute to the greater good helps. Sometimes it is the small things, like taking groceries to a friend who is unable to leave their home.

I am really appreciating the time with my family. Having my children around has been an emotional stabilizer for me. I would love some time by myself, to be sure! But having this extended time with my family has been more good than not good.

I am still working, and I actually feel quite focused at work – when I can work from my office. Working from home is another story – probably better left for another post! Suffice to say, I’m not always at my best when I’m working from home and attempting to school from home as well. The photo at the top is me in my office at Aspire getting ready to do an online counselling session. It took some time to find the telehealth platform that works best for me (and is compliant with privacy legislation), and the right lighting so that I don’t look like I’m in the witness protection program. But I’m pleased to say it’s coming together, and it is going well.

I continue to wrap around friends and family as best as I can – and they wrap around me and my family. A colleague shared this article with me and I have sent it to many friends and colleagues since. I found it very comforting and grounding. Maybe it will be helpful for you as well.

Here are some other ways to take care of yourself from The Canadian Mental Health Association. It is important to reach out if you are feeling overwhelmed during these times. That may mean calling a friend for a chat on the phone or seeking support from a mental health professional or helpline. The Mental Health Support Line can be reached at 310-6789 (no area code needed) 24 hours a day. They will put you in touch with your local BC crisis line. To chat online, visit crisiscentrechat.ca. A worker is there to chat from noon till 1am daily.

If you are interested, I am offering a free, one-hour online workshop on April 29^th from 6:30 till 7:30pm called “Taking Care of Ourselves in Times of Change and Uncertainty.” Please email me at suzanne@compassionateparenting.ca if you would like to attend and I will send you the Zoom invite. Community and connection is vital in times like this, and this is one way I can build community and stay connected.

Stay well and stay connected,

Suzanne

Yesterday, my daughter and I decided to make a video of our favourite board games to share with other families. (She did the filming!) It was our way of having some fun while connecting with community online.

We hope that in these unfamiliar days, it might give you some new ideas of things to do together.

You can view the video here.

If you are curious about what games we chose, but don’t want to watch the video, here they are:

1. Outfoxed – cooperative game for 2 to 4 players. Ages 5+
2. Forbidden Island – cooperative game for 2 to 4 players. Ages 10+ (but I’ve played with our 6 y.o.)
3. Qwirkle – 2 to 4 players. Ages 6+
4. Rummycub – 2 to 4 players. Ages 8+
5. Azul – 2 to 4 players. Ages 8+
6. Tiny Towns – 1 to 6 players. Ages 14+ (again, played with our 6 y.o. with modified rules)
7. Anomia – 3 to 6 players. Ages 5+

Happy Playing,

Suzanne

The clue as to why this happens is in the statement, “whatever is your desired goal.” The goal is yours, not your child’s. Your child will understand you requesting an outcome that is yours, not theirs, as an attempt to control behaviour.

As Jessica Lahey points out in The Gift of Failure, extrinsic rewards are viewed as attempts to control behaviour, and humans don’t respond well to others trying to control what we do. We are much more likely to stick with something that comes from personal choice. In order for lasting change to happen, the rewards need to be intrinsic; the motivation for the change needs to come from within your child. And they need to have choice – if there is a choice between doing something imposed or something chosen by free will (i.e. either responding to the reward or not responding to the reward) – they will choose free will and not respond to the reward.

Seeing external rewards as an attempt to control isn’t a conscious decision. Seven years olds don’t consciously think, “My parents are trying to make me learn piano by offering me candy if I practice every day of the week. I will do it for five weeks, and then I think I’ll hold out for something bigger.” What happens is that what is seen as motivation by parents is unconsciously seen as an attempt to control behaviour by the child.

Alfie Kohn, a parenting and human behaviour author and educator, writes:

“…an impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a ‘Good job!’”

So, what’s the answer? How do you encourage the behaviours you would like to see in your child? As suggested above, the key is intrinsic motivation. The pride and sense of accomplishment that come with sticking with and figuring out a tough problem are examples of intrinsic motivation. Mastering a skill and the feeling of competence that accompanies that are powerful motivators.

This doesn’t mean that you walk away from your child when they are faced with challenges. It means that you stay close and present when they are working through them. Think of how you were when your child was learning to walk. You probably watched, held your breath as they wobbled, and offered a steadying hand here and there. You didn’t turn your back nor did you take their steps for them. We need to be able to offer the same scaffolding for our children as they learn and grow in all areas.

Children sense your trust in their ability to solve a problem or work through a challenge. Your belief in them gives them the courage and support they need to tackle a problem and to take the risks needed to solve an issue. As a result of this trust, your relationship with your child will become stronger. The connection between you and your child, knowing that they matter to you and that you have “got their back,” will encourage them to persevere, thereby allowing them to earn the delight and satisfaction of having accomplished a skill or task themselves.

Be warned, this way of parenting takes time and patience and you may be tempted to revert to rewards for what appears to be a “quick fix.” In times like this, take a deep breath and remember that for lasting changes, the motivation needs to be intrinsic. And that ultimately, children who experience mastery, feel competent, and have a sense of belonging, grow up to be capable and decent human beings.

For more on this topic, I highly recommend Jessica Lahey’s book, The Gift of Failure.

Warmly,

Suzanne

Kohn, A. (September 2001). Five reasons to stop saying “good job.” [article]. Retrieved from https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/five-reasons-stop-saying-good-job/

Lahey, J. (2015). The gift of failure. New York, NY: HarperCollins.