How are you doing? How are you and your family in this time of COVID 19?

How I am doing is a pretty mixed bag to be honest. Short answer is, I’m okay. The longer answer is more complex – I’m feeling grateful, worried, nervous, unfocused, unsettled, content, peaceful… sometimes all at the same time.

I expect your answer is complex as well.

As we enter week four of physical distancing, I’ve been ruminating on this question of how I am. How my family is doing. And I’ve gathered some thoughts that I wanted to share. Maybe your experience is similar, maybe it’s different.

In my home, there is myself, my partner, our two elementary-aged children and my brother. My brother came to stay with us as he transitioned to the lower mainland after living in the States for a few years – he was actively searching for a place to live when we began isolating. So here he is and here he will stay for a while. Which is a blessing, because he would be living by himself if he had found a place and moved before “all this”.

Physically, I am well. A couple of days the first week I went out for walks. “Ah,” I thought, “This is what I’ll do! Long walks, I will have time and be needing to get out of the house!” The forest is easily accessible from my home, and I envisioned daily forays into the wild. That didn’t last long. I actually found after that first week that I didn’t want to be out and about far from home. I’m not too sure why. Lately, I’ve thought that maybe it’s something to do with not feeling safe and therefore needing to stay close to home base and my family. We did go on a long family walk this weekend, and I’m sensing that I might be ready soon to venture out on my own again. Maybe.

What I have been doing is a 30-day wheelie challenge – my whole family has been participating. I can happily ride up and down my street practicing my wheelies and social distancing at the same time. FYI, I’m not very good, but I am enjoying it. I have also been doing some morning yoga. At first, I needed to push myself to get up early to do it. “This is what you need, Suzanne. Remember mental health is important. This is important.” Now, I’m in more of a routine and I can say it has been vital for my mental health. Speaking of which…

Mentally, I was quite unfocused at first; I still am, but it is getting better. That first week, I was even unable to concentrate on reading a book. Deciding what to do next around the house seemed challenging. I did manage to knock off a couple of projects that I’ve been meaning to do for a bit (patch the hole in the kitchen where I tried to hang a coat hook – but the hook fell out and left a gaping hole). The projects I’ve tackled have been low skill level, low commitment projects. Nothing needing large amounts of focus or brain power.

I am beginning to feel more grounded when I’m at home. However, when I go out to shop, I still feel lost. It all feels surreal and like I’m moving through water. This will change in time, I am sure. But for now, I have to really concentrate when I’m out; “What store am I going to?” “What is on my grocery list?” “Remember to stay 6 feet away from others.” (I am grateful for the markings letting us know where to stand in grocery store line-ups; it means I don’t have to worry that I’m not the correct distance away anymore). I still haven’t read any of the books beside my bed that I was sure I was going to dig into right away. But I think I’m getting closer to picking one up.

Emotionally, I worry about the effect of the increased stressors on families who no longer have access to community supports. Schools, governments, not-for-profits, community agencies and others are all rising in amazing ways to meet the challenge of connecting with families who need support. I know, however, that they will not be able to connect with everyone who needs it. This hurts my heart. When I feel like this, I try to remind myself of what I can do. Having a sense of what I can contribute to the greater good helps. Sometimes it is the small things, like taking groceries to a friend who is unable to leave their home.

I am really appreciating the time with my family. Having my children around has been an emotional stabilizer for me. I would love some time by myself, to be sure! But having this extended time with my family has been more good than not good.

I am still working, and I actually feel quite focused at work – when I can work from my office. Working from home is another story – probably better left for another post! Suffice to say, I’m not always at my best when I’m working from home and attempting to school from home as well. The photo at the top is me in my office at Aspire getting ready to do an online counselling session. It took some time to find the telehealth platform that works best for me (and is compliant with privacy legislation), and the right lighting so that I don’t look like I’m in the witness protection program. But I’m pleased to say it’s coming together, and it is going well.

I continue to wrap around friends and family as best as I can – and they wrap around me and my family. A colleague shared this article with me and I have sent it to many friends and colleagues since. I found it very comforting and grounding. Maybe it will be helpful for you as well.

Here are some other ways to take care of yourself from The Canadian Mental Health Association. It is important to reach out if you are feeling overwhelmed during these times. That may mean calling a friend for a chat on the phone or seeking support from a mental health professional or helpline. The Mental Health Support Line can be reached at 310-6789 (no area code needed) 24 hours a day. They will put you in touch with your local BC crisis line. To chat online, visit crisiscentrechat.ca. A worker is there to chat from noon till 1am daily.

If you are interested, I am offering a free, one-hour online workshop on April 29^th from 6:30 till 7:30pm called “Taking Care of Ourselves in Times of Change and Uncertainty.” Please email me at suzanne@compassionateparenting.ca if you would like to attend and I will send you the Zoom invite. Community and connection is vital in times like this, and this is one way I can build community and stay connected.

Stay well and stay connected,

Suzanne

Research has also linked families who eat together frequently with increased child and youth health. What has not been clear is if families who ate together more frequently were just healthier to begin with or if it was because they ate together that the children were healthier.

This recently published study out of the University of Montreal looks at the relationship between meal times eaten together as a family and the associated physical and mental health benefits over a ten year span. PhD student Marie-Josée Harbec and her supervisor, pyschoeducation professor Linda Pagani, studied a cohort of children born between 1997 and 1998 from 5 months of age until 10 years of age. Studying families since almost the birth of their child and over such a long period of time allowed them to adjust the findings to account for many factors (such as cognitive abilities, child temperament, family configuration, maternal education, and depression) that previous studies weren’t able to. The families started reporting data on meal times when the children were 6 years old. When they reached 10 years of age, parents, teachers and the children, reported on their lifestyle habits, academic achievement, and social adjustment.

The results show that when the quality of the family meal environment is better, children consume less soft drinks, have a higher level of fitness and increased social skills (reporting less aggression and oppositional behaviour).

Setting the intention to eat two or three times together a week can go a long way to raising healthy, socially and emotionally resilient children. With busy families, it is difficult to find a time when everyone is home and can sit down together, but I encourage you to try to do it when you can as the payoff is tremendous.

Warmly,

Suzanne

The research backs up this idea that “we are all in this together.” Children as young as three months have been shown to have a preference for helping behaviours over unhelpful behaviours. Dr. Karen Wynn and her team from The Infant Cognition Centre, otherwise known as The Baby Lab, at the University of Yale ran a series of studies looking at whether babies recognize prosocial behaviour. In one study, 5 and 9 month old babies were shown a scene with puppets. In the scene, a puppet was trying to get a colourful rattle out of a box. The babies are shown two variations of this scene – in one variation, another puppet comes along who helps the original puppet open the box and take out the rattle. In the other variation, the puppet that comes along sits on the box, making it impossible for the original puppet to open the box. After watching both variations, when presented with both the helping and non-helping puppets, the babies showed a preference for the helping puppet by gazing longer at and reaching for the helpful puppet.

Research out of Dr. Kimberly Schonert-Reichl’s Social & Emotional Learning Lab (the SEL Lab) at the University of BC found that children ages 9 to 11 who are asked to perform three acts of kindness per week for four weeks, showed increases in happiness and how well-liked they were by peers. This is important as preteens who are well-liked also demonstrate more inclusive behaviour. Another study from the SEL Lab looked at the benefits of volunteering. Grade 10 students who volunteered one hour a week for 10 weeks with elementary school children, lowered their cardiovascular risk as compared to the control group.

Research is showing that prosocial behaviours, including kindness, are more ingrained in us than previously thought. This doesn’t necessarily  always make kindness the “go to” behaviour though. Kind isn’t always easy and sometimes, in the short-term at least, the power we feel with anger and revenge can be sweet. So how do we encourage kindness in our children? You are probably already doing most, if not all, of the ideas listed below. The key is being intentional and knowing why we are doing what we are doing when we are doing it!

1. Model kindness – Our children learn an incredible amount by watching how we treat others. Do you show kindness and understanding in your interactions with your friends?  Do you tell your child to stay away from the student in their class who is having difficulty on the playground and leave it at that, or do you talk about how some children have a harder time learning how to get along with others?
2. Talk about being kind – What does it mean to be kind? What does it look like and sound like? Notice and name when your children are being kind (“I saw you give the red crayon to Lily when she asked for it even though you were using it.”) Don’t, however, reward them for their kindness. External rewards have been shown to lessen internal motivation.
3. Make it a family value – “We treat other people with kindness in our family.” Let your children know that kindness is important.
4. Create an Acts of Kindness Jar – One way to notice and name kindness is by tracking acts of kindness. You can track them by journalling, talking about them at the dinner table, creating an Acts of Kindness Jar or any other way you can think of. Track both kind acts that they (and you) have received and those acts that they (and you) have done for others.
5. Read stories with kindness themes – Books such as “Plant a Kiss” by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and “Boo Hoo Bird” by Jeremey Tankard are great for younger children. “Wonder” by R. J. Palacio and “Blubber” by Judy Blume are two for older children. Heart-Mind Online has book lists that you  can find here, for the younger ones, and here, for older children.

The Dalai Lama has said, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Not always easy, but possible. Hopefully you have a little more information to help your child(red) choose kind.

Warmly,

Suzanne

Valentine’s Day, as a day to celebrate your sweetheart, is full of social pressures. What if you don’t have a sweetheart? What if don’t want a sweetheart? If you do have a sweetheart, what if you don’t want to partake in what is essentially a commercial holiday?

Elementary classroom Valentine’s Day celebrations are already a celebration of friendships and not romantic relationships. Most teachers ask that students, if they are going to bring Valentine’s Day cards to class, bring one for every child. In my conversations with my daughter, I make sure that she understands that she is giving cards to every classmate not because that is the rule, but because it is kind and thoughtful to include everyone.

I wonder if maybe Valentine’s Day as a way to celebrate kindness and friendships – for everyone, not just elementary school students – is gentler and less angst-filled. What if we all celebrated Random Acts of Kindness Week instead?

The spirit of Family Day, spending time with loved ones whether they are family or dear friends, feels more like the gentler Valentine’s Day that I wish for. Pulling in, reminding myself of my many blessings, slowing down and playing with my children – that is what I want to do. The memories that spending time together will create for my children, the deep message of “you are loved” that it gives them, the priceless opportunity I have to share my values with my children as I play and talk with them – that is what I want to do.

Last week I signed up for an online course called Unclutter. You can read about it here. It is facilitated by Amy Kervin, who blogs and offers parenting courses on her website, Love Uncluttered. On her website, Amy advocates for “simplifying childhood (and parenthood) so that you can focus on the relationships that matter most.” In Unclutter, the course I participated in, Amy sends you seven emails, one a day, for a week. Each centers on something you can do in with your family to simplify – get away from “stuff” – in order to free up time and energy so that you can focus on each other.

My timing in signing up was perfect. As this week of Valentine’s Day and Family Day drew near, the questions that Amy posed were a good reminder of what is important to my family and me. Reading and thinking on her emails helped me articulate what I had been feeling but not able to put words to easily.

There are still wonderings I have about Valentine’s Day and how I want to celebrate it – I think I may always wrestle with this one. I have, though, been able to remind myself of how I want to be with my family and what values I want to share with them. For me, these values are more in line with Family Day, so that is the day that we are celebrating more than Valentine’s Day in our house. And we are celebrating it by spending time together, being grateful for each other, and being kind.

Happy Family Day,

Suzanne

Spirit of the West is one of my favourite bands. I danced my heart out to them in my university years both at the Pit Pub at UBC and live at various venues around Vancouver; when we visited Italy when my daughter was almost 4, she and I had “When Venice Is Sinking” on repeat the days before we visited that city (and I just hoped she wouldn’t ask me what the line “with an erection on a horse” meant); they are the only band my husband and I have been to see since we’ve had kids.

I was heartbroken, along with so many, when I learned of John Mann’s early onset Alzheimer’s. Something as tragic and as unfair as being diagnosed with such an illness, anyone being diagnosed with such an illness, makes many of us question all we know to be safe and stable in the world.

Today I saw the video Spirit of Canada – Home For A Rest (you can watch it above as well). And it struck me to my core with it’s joyfulness and sense of community and celebration. It is almost tangible people’s fierce love and respect for John Mann. You can see and hear in the music how much everyone in that room and on that stage cares deeply for both John and the community that they have created. It is not the first time and it most definitely will not be the last that sadness and pain have brought out the care and compassion of a community. One of the biggest musicals on Broadway currently is Come From Away, the true story of how a community came together and deep friendships were formed when 38 diverted planes landed in Gander, Newfoundland on September 11, 2001 after the Twin Towers were struck.

In How The Stress of Disaster Brings People Together, Dr. Emma Seppala, Science Director at Stanford University’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education, reviews the research behind why we pull together in times of stress and tragedy. Research shows that instead of the classic “every man for himself” mindset when hard times hit, we actually build connections and work together. We are, after all, social creatures. Our survival has always depended on us working together to get through stressful and challenging circumstances. Our physiological and psychological health improves in numerous ways when we feel connected to others.

While none of us would ever wish sorrow or pain on anyone or any community, we know that it is inevitable. Natural disasters, illness, human-caused tragedies both accidental and intentional, will continue to happen. In despairing times, healing and hope will come from our biological social need to connect, to come together as community to help and support each other. It is how we are strong. The Spirit of Canada – Home For A Rest video is moving example of beautiful things happening in the face of grief and pain.

Warmly,

Suzanne