The research backs up this idea that “we are all in this together.” Children as young as three months have been shown to have a preference for helping behaviours over unhelpful behaviours. Dr. Karen Wynn and her team from The Infant Cognition Centre, otherwise known as The Baby Lab, at the University of Yale ran a series of studies looking at whether babies recognize prosocial behaviour. In one study, 5 and 9 month old babies were shown a scene with puppets. In the scene, a puppet was trying to get a colourful rattle out of a box. The babies are shown two variations of this scene – in one variation, another puppet comes along who helps the original puppet open the box and take out the rattle. In the other variation, the puppet that comes along sits on the box, making it impossible for the original puppet to open the box. After watching both variations, when presented with both the helping and non-helping puppets, the babies showed a preference for the helping puppet by gazing longer at and reaching for the helpful puppet.

Research out of Dr. Kimberly Schonert-Reichl’s Social & Emotional Learning Lab (the SEL Lab) at the University of BC found that children ages 9 to 11 who are asked to perform three acts of kindness per week for four weeks, showed increases in happiness and how well-liked they were by peers. This is important as preteens who are well-liked also demonstrate more inclusive behaviour. Another study from the SEL Lab looked at the benefits of volunteering. Grade 10 students who volunteered one hour a week for 10 weeks with elementary school children, lowered their cardiovascular risk as compared to the control group.

Research is showing that prosocial behaviours, including kindness, are more ingrained in us than previously thought. This doesn’t necessarily  always make kindness the “go to” behaviour though. Kind isn’t always easy and sometimes, in the short-term at least, the power we feel with anger and revenge can be sweet. So how do we encourage kindness in our children? You are probably already doing most, if not all, of the ideas listed below. The key is being intentional and knowing why we are doing what we are doing when we are doing it!

1. Model kindness – Our children learn an incredible amount by watching how we treat others. Do you show kindness and understanding in your interactions with your friends?  Do you tell your child to stay away from the student in their class who is having difficulty on the playground and leave it at that, or do you talk about how some children have a harder time learning how to get along with others?
2. Talk about being kind – What does it mean to be kind? What does it look like and sound like? Notice and name when your children are being kind (“I saw you give the red crayon to Lily when she asked for it even though you were using it.”) Don’t, however, reward them for their kindness. External rewards have been shown to lessen internal motivation.
3. Make it a family value – “We treat other people with kindness in our family.” Let your children know that kindness is important.
4. Create an Acts of Kindness Jar – One way to notice and name kindness is by tracking acts of kindness. You can track them by journalling, talking about them at the dinner table, creating an Acts of Kindness Jar or any other way you can think of. Track both kind acts that they (and you) have received and those acts that they (and you) have done for others.
5. Read stories with kindness themes – Books such as “Plant a Kiss” by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and “Boo Hoo Bird” by Jeremey Tankard are great for younger children. “Wonder” by R. J. Palacio and “Blubber” by Judy Blume are two for older children. Heart-Mind Online has book lists that you  can find here, for the younger ones, and here, for older children.

The Dalai Lama has said, “Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.” Not always easy, but possible. Hopefully you have a little more information to help your child(red) choose kind.

Warmly,

Suzanne

Friendship is tricky for all of us. Reading social cues, regulating ourselves in groups of people, balancing our own needs and the needs of others, knowing what to say to join groups – these are complex skills and children are just beginning to learn them. It can be hard as parents to know how to support them as they stumble through learning these skills. Some of us might have a tough time socially ourselves, and guiding our children can seem like a mine field!

These books, and many others you probably already have on your shelves, will give you a starting point for conversations about friendships. You can talk about how it feels to be lonely, like Hedgehog in The Friend Ship, or how we can affect others around us by showing them kindness, like the boy in Rain! 

Rain! by Linda Ashman and pictures by Christian Robinson, is a gem of a book that I first saw at my son’s daycare. On a rainy day in a city, a boy and a man separately go to the local café. The man is not happy to be out in the rain; the boy is jubilant. There is a story of when the boy and the man meet and how one impacts the other; as well, there is also a story in the reactions of the people who the boy and the man come into contact with as each walks to the café. In simple pictures and words, it tells the tale of how we are feeling and our behaviour impacts those around us. It is a great story to begin to talk about social awareness and how we affect each other.

You might start by asking your child how might each character be feeling and how your child knows this (ask them what they are seeing, for example, frown, eye brows pointing down, hand on hip). If they are younger, this might be all you ask. If they are a bit older, you might talk about how the other people in the picture look and what your child thinks might be going on. You can talk about what happened to the man when the child gave him his hat back.

The Friend Ship by Kat Yeh, is a lovely book about Hedgehog, who is lonely. He builds a ship and sets sail in search of friends. Wherever he stops, he asks the animals he finds, “Have you seen the Friend Ship?” None of them have, but they ask to come with him because they would like to find a friend as well. Hedgehog’s ship gets fuller and fuller with animals. It is a beautiful book to introduce questions such as, “What makes a friend?” and “How do you know if someone is your friend?”

Jon J Muth’s Stone Soup, is a retelling of a traditional European folk tale. In his version, three monks are traveling through the mountains when they happen across a village. In this village, the villagers are all wary of each other, to say nothing of the three strangers who walk through their gates. The monks begin to make stone soup, and in doing so, unite and connect the villagers with each other again, making the village and it’s inhabitants happier in the process. Questions you might ask your child after reading this book include, “What happened when the monks started making the soup?” “How might the people in the village have been feeling before they started to make soup?” “How might they be feeling when they were helping make and eat the soup?” and “What do you think happened to change how the people in the village felt?”

There are many books that you can read with your child to begin a conversation about friends and friendship. By doing so, you are accomplishing two aims: firstly, you are developing your child’s social and emotional competencies (go here for more information on social and emotional learning); secondly, by asking questions and listening to the answers, you are letting your child know that you want to have open and honest conversations with them.

I believe that the important part is to begin the conversation and not get hung up on if we are doing it “right.” Even if our children appear to not be interested or only half engaging in the conversation, our intent behind our efforts will stick with them and when they do need honest answers, or have had a tough interaction with peers, they will seek us out. And our efforts to nurture social and emotional skills will most certainly help our children as they grow and learn how to be kind and compassionate people in this world.

Happy reading!

Warmly,

Suzanne